so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
