I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
