I can text with my tongue
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
