Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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