I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
