end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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