running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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