You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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