so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
