why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
