I could make wine with my vomit
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
