I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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