She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
