i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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