he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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