you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
