I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
