i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
