tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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