did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
