Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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