I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He passed out mid-signature
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
