The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
