Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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