Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
