just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
