yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
