someone owes me an orgasm
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
