covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Pants are for mortals
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
