The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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