i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
