We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
zippers are such a cool invention
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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