I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
