Where did you get a picture of my penis
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
