if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
