On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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