cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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