Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize