a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
