What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
