Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
