listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
