he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
