One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
