Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
