her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
