Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
