She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I think people are normalizing furries
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
