my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
