I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
