I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize
