So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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