SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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