there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
well you can't waste a boner
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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