I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
