Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
