hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
