I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
