I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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