Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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